Chinese New Year

Thus are the first three days of the Chinese New Year ended, and with them gone the harsh reality of school life beckons again. But before we return to that, I will reflect on the days gone by.

CNY has always been, for as long as I can remember, a time of awkwardness while visiting relatives, especially on my father's side. I've always been closer to my cousins on my mother's side. Somehow, the inverse seems true this year. It's odd when I consider the previous situation, because I spent a great deal of my childhood in my paternal grandmother's house. I should be closer to my cousins there, but I wasn't. I put it down to the language barrier, and perhaps also religious differences. I can recall a time when I was close to them, but then as I grew older I drifted away. My inability to speak Chinese, whereas they were fluent in both that and Hokkien, influenced my relationship with my cousins greatly. CNY became a time of polite gestures and greetings, but not much talk.

Now we are older. My two oldest cousins have stable girlfriends. One is due to marry by the year's end. My oldest female cousin just got a makeover. For the first time in my life I saw her with makeup. Another sign of changing times. Somehow this year over steamboat and other things I managed to reconnect with my cousins. We talked and laughed and joked. They are quite a fun bunch actually. The male lineage has always been strong in the Lian clan. My late grandmother gave birth to six sons, not a single daughter. Today most of her grandchildren are male. I suppose that helps in forging bonds. Our age gaps aren't that wide either.

The situation on my mother's side is different this year. It started a few years ago. Somehow I drifted away from my younger cousins, with whom I was once very chummy. Age difference probably. Then my older cousin entered the army, and his course in life is very different from mine. Suddenly CNY there has become another round of polite gestures and greetings.

That being said, this CNY has been fairly enjoyable so far. It's always been a time of mirth and merrymaking, and I've lost myself in food over the past few days. It was good, while it lasted.

Now school will begin anew. I pray for strength and perserverance. Things are really getting on my nerves. Day by day, I pray for patience and Christ-centredness.

I CANNOT STAND THIS!!!!! My computer is infested with spyware that mcafee can't do nuts about, and its corrupted about two of the system files. I'm going to wage war on this malignant and repulsive threat to home computer security. I shall reformat my computer. Soon. When i have sufficient time. I'll back up the files tonight.

I'm sorry if I can't reply to your tags, cos though you can see the tagboard, I can't, or at least, only partially. I can see the tags, but I myself can't tag. I can't even see some other people's tagboards.

I'm high strung, stressed out by school work and CCA commitments, and now I have to come home and deal with this nonsense. It's a complete waste of my time. But at least it's not as bad as the last time I reformatted my com. Ah well.

Tomorrow is cross country day. Strange as it sounds coming from me, I somehow suddenly look forward to it. Maybe it will be a good chance to destress. Oh it's intolerable. My peace is always marred. It's like I spend a few moments enjoying something, only to remember I have some work or commitment somewhere to attend to.

I enjoyed today's GP lesson. It gave me much food for thought. Are we all products then?

You know, debating is getting tiring, and it's a strain on my time. I love it, but ahh, sometimes, it just gets on my nerves...

I shall spend tomorrow singing in the trees

My tagbox has disappeared! Why am I so unfortunate with technology? It makes no sense, because I haven't edited my template. Maybe it's a temporary glitch. I'll wait and see. In the meantime, feel free to comment on the comments page.

It's been a whole week since I blogged. Quite an eventful week, full of stress and excitement. Excitement = stress?

Anyway, just to update, I got the Lit S paper. So, more work for me. I don't know how I'm going to finish four Shakespearean texts in a term and a half, but I'll do it with God's grace. I mean, if He allowed me to get the S paper, I'm going to trust He can see me safely through this year, intact.

We reviewed the new J1s this week for debating. I'm going to give a cautious nod of approval at some of their potential, but because I haven't seen most of them I can't say anything much beyond that. They have shown skills we didn't expect, considering how most, or all, of them have practically no debating experience.

I attended the Annual Conference of Feedback Groups yesterday. It was quite an eye opener for me, because I never realised there were so many angry people in Singapore. One after another they swamped the dialogue session with angry questions and complaints, pressurising the poor committees, who repeatedly stressed that they were just volunteers. And then when the Health Minister arrived, they questioned him all the same. Really interesting day. The food was good though! I liked the prawns.

We bumped into Sheryl and Andrew after the conference, or rather Sheryl saw us then appeared before me. What a pleasant surprise. The last time I saw Andrew was during orientation. He has this lovely stubble that I wish I could have. Some people have the ability to carry off stubble well, for example, as much as I hate to say it, Bryan. I can't. My hair just come out of my chin in a mish mash of directions, and it's too sparse. I think it has something to do with the scar on my chin. When I was much younger I banged my chin real hard on the sales counter of the Cold Storage supermarket in Ngee Ann City. It was a rather bloody experience. I was rushed off to Mount Elizabeth Hospital where I vividly recalled being operated on while conscious. The doctor applied anaesthetic to my chine and sewed it up, at the same time managing to make friendly conversation with me. I think my mother was pale with worry.

So anyway, because of that, I now have a scar on my chin, and I think it's obstructing the full growth of my stubble.

Ha, it was nice seeing Andrew and Sheryl walk off. They look quite good together, like a pleasant picture of marital bliss. Oops, forgive me, I meant, um, relational bliss. And then later, when Beni pointed out Secret Recipe and said what memories that place held, it felt like I had come slightly full circle, if there is such a phrase. Oh well, oh well.

Lots of homework to do.

Sensitivity

Last night I gave my brother a lecture. Not a scolding, but a lecture, the sort of thing our teachers do. It just came impromptu.

In my family, I observe many things. They may not know it, but I spend a lot of the time observing the happy moments, the conflicts, gestures, tone, language, etc. Sometimes things slip my mind, but when something crops up, as they often do time and time again, I always try and observe.

From this, I've learnt something of human relations. Relationships are a finely balanced set of equations. They can be upset very easily by the slightest variation. Great care and sensitivity are often required when dealing with humans. Some are more sensitive than others. Some are more numb, or maybe they've just grown used to life. Some can put up a great show of strength when it's so obvious how fragile they are. Whatever it is, people are sensitive beings, and the heart is beats so, so tenderly. No one can hurt you more than the ones you love.

Those are some of the results of my observations of the people around me in general. Many times I've wanted to speak out, share my deeper thoughts, but it can be so difficult to tell those you love. Or maybe it's just me.

Me. A few days ago I began to wonder if I was not slightly neurotic. I don't know when this developed exactly, but I have some inkling of how it developed. A gradual process. Now I find it hard to relax, even in peaceful moments. And so many times, it takes so little to affect me. I don't know why because I don't recall ever being this... sensitive shall we say...when I was younger. Your slightest gesture, or tone, affects me. I read volumes into simple conversations, even online or sms. And sometimes, if I don't catch myself, I try reading into the most nonsensical things. I think it may be a bad habit developing. Sensitivity is fine, but when it becomes neurosis, it can take a toll on you.

I told my brother this, "Whenever you want to say something, or do something, always stop and think of how you would feel if the other person did what you are going to do to you." It's really commonsensical isn't it? Cliched even. Everyone knows that, we just forget it. More often than not, we need to be reminded more than instructed.

Setting an example can be so hard. In his best, or better moments, my brother can be so loveable. In his worst, or worser moments, which come very very often, I wish I had another brother. But I have to learn, I guess, to accept him, warts and all. And who am I to judge, when so many times I've failed in my duty as a brother, much less the older one? Setting an example can be so hard.

My opinion of Nelson improved after our training session at NUS today. And I quite like the look of policy debating. It sounds fun, but it looks like a lot of hard work too. Sigh, more research to be done.

When I was younger if I thought something was cute I said so. Today as I came home I thought to myself: Now if I think something is cute I find myself wondering, why exactly do I find it cute?

Lovely, the rain stopped today, although the sudden increase in temperature was slightly discomforting. I think I'd gotten used to the coldness.

The long awaited weekend is finally here. I finished my s paper selection test yesterday. It wasn't as intimidating as I thought it was, and I thank God it's over. At least that's one burden off my mind.

Oh, and I got into the gp differentiated program. I don't know what I'm getting myself into, but oh well, here goes nothing. It is something to be one of only 16 people to qualify for the program out of the whole cohort. And not a single Science student. Which is puzzling, because I know people in there who did well for gp, but whom their teachers didn't nominate.

Tomorrow I will be going for a briefing on the NUS Debates Challenge Shields. I've already met my new coach, but I don't think it would be particularly diplomatic to post my stronger opinions of him here. He's...very different from Adrienne. More...shall we say...slow paced? I have a feeling that I might find it slightly difficult to adjust to him. But we'll play it by the ear.

I begin to worry about Vicki's sanity. At first I thought she was just crazy in a playful manner, but recent developments have led me to question the true stability of her mind. No sane person runs into the classroom and bangs her hands on the wall and runs out again. She is, as Bryan so eloquently put it, "the epitome of siao". But, ah, what would our days be without her? Duller than a great thaw, to quote from Benedick.

As always, grist for the mill, grist for the mill.

I wish I could sleep and destress.

I have econs to do, an s paper selection test to study for, and MUN reports to write. And I wish I could sleep away the time. The weather isn't helping.

Some funny moments of the day to cheer me up. Vicks asking, pleading, then whimpering for tissue in the caf. "Tissue (ten seconds later), tissue..." Benita's realisation of the familial connection between the Lees. Mrs Ram's pun, "Whatever happened last year is history."

When the world is so grey, your heart tends to sag. Ok that made me laugh. What a silly word to use!

I have acquired the Memoirs of Harry. Right now the most popular and well known memoirs on the market are those of a geisha, but unfortunately I'm not reading those. I have decided to delve into the personal life of Harry. Harry, of all the names in the world, but Harry nevertheless. Harry and Geok Chu, such a delightful coupling of words. Much as I'd hate to say it, his memoirs are actually fairly interesting.

I feel like drifting off to sleep. So random.

My beginning, my forever.

Everyday

I'm back home, all nice and comfy in my room. I had a sudden bout of sneezing just now. This weather is perfect for snuggling up in bed and not waking up till tomorrow. In fact, to do that would not be too bad an idea.

Rain. Now I don't mind rain now and then, but when it rains everyday, and the whole day, then it gets really irritating. We're like just trudging through the wind and rain and mud everyday. A slow crawl. I wonder if this is some kind of visual metaphor for the year.

I like rationalisation. I think it helps a lot in sorting certain things out, provided I have enough time to think it through. And when I'm done, the issue seems less pressing, less troubling, for a while. Most of the time, I simply don't have time to think. And I react too quickly, or badly. Surrender is so difficult when you have so many things piling up against you. Or perhaps I should put it the other way. Is it not easier to let go when you finally realise you can't cope? We are rebels in arms.

It's the second week of school, and things are already so messy. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, getting involved in MUN, and S Paper, and now this differentiated program. I really don't mind if I don't qualify for the S Paper, but what if I do? Will I have enough motivation, willpower, strength even, to see it through? And then there's debates. Such a headache. Having a title is nice, but really, sometimes I wish I didn't, that I didn't have to bother so much. And why do little things bother me so much?

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

The first two days of school.

I didn't get the chance to update yesterday so I'll blog now.

The first day of school was fairly easy going. Nothing much to do, just walking around, exploring the new campus, chit chatting. But, our first Moment of 2006 has arrived. It was History Tutorial, and Mr Yoong had just asked Samantha, "What were America's goals for going into Greece and Turkey?" To which Samantha declared, "World peace."

Priceless moment, truly priceless.

We've had a couple more silly random moments here and there, like when Benita said the mama shops in the area were very mama, or like today, when Vicks was trying to describe this snack to us known to her as Bee Bee (but which she pronounced as "bibi"). And fancy calling Mamee snack noodles "Mamee Mee"...

Random and crazy, that's my two days in school. Somehow I feel that the class has cooled down a lot, like we are more cordial to each other. Maybe things are getting better.

But the pressure is already heating up. I have a competition next month and we'll be training twice weekly. Then there's MUN coming up, as well as this GP accelerated program. If the accelerated program means extra work then I might not want to go for it, even if I get in. I personally prefer Ms Soh's class, if only for the lesser amount of work.

My computer is lagging, and I don't know why. I don't detect a virus attack or spyware, and I'd really hate it if it was spyware, cos then I might have to clean out the whole thing. The pitfalls of technology...

'Twas the night before school

So, it's once again the dawn of a new year, and with that comes the inevitable opening of the new school term. Standing here on the brink of another adventure, I pray I'll make it through all right, and hopefully better than before. Adventure does not necessarily mean a good thing. Lester asked me if I was excited about going back to school. Yes, I am, but excitement is just an anticipatory emotion. It can be either bad or good, and in this case, it means bad. Perhaps a better word to describe my feelings now would be apprehension, or nervous anticipation. It can't be a very good sign to open the school year with PE. But then again, I guess that's just a sign of things to come. Let's just say I'm not particularly looking forward to the end of this year.

I've begun to feel as though every moment is precious to me. I wish I could hold on to them, but time just slips past me, even as I wish it would stop. I want everything to stop, and allow me to enjoy my last few moments of peace, snatches of which I experienced today, and yesterday. This is like the deep breath before the plunge. And even as I plunge, I want every moment of it to last longer, move slower. It's like I'm clinging on to some board, slowly, or quickly, being sucked down into some unimaginable abyss.

I pray I can let go and trust God.

For I am convinced that nothing can separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.



Musa: I'm NOT a babe. And even with you around, it may not be tt much of a blast I'm afraid. More like an agonising crawl through the mud.

Vicks: Nope, you've got to do better to have an entire list devoted to you. There are plenty of other contenders.